Dr. No (1962)
Dir. Terence
Young
'James Bond theme' & 'Three Blind Mice' by Monty Norman
& John Barry
Intro kinda sucks. The SF on the barrel zoom is
funny. Really disjointed. 'Three Blind Mice' is unintentionally
hilarious. Barry's Bond theme is iconic but it's overused in this
movie. The looped version used in this intro does it no favors.
Doesn't really count as a Bond intro since we're in the proto stages
but what the hell.
- - -
From Russia With Love
(1963)
Dir. Terence Young
'From Russia With Love theme'
(orchestral) by John Barry
Exact vibe as the books. Low tech but
brilliant. Sleaze masquerading as elegance; encapsulatory of the book
version of the Bond character. Wish more of the films in the series
took a cue from this one. Excellent orchestral arrangement by John
Barry. One of my favorite takes on the Bond theme.
 |
| I'm dead certain Connery himself requested this. |
- - -
Goldfinger (1964)
Dir. Guy
Hamilton
'Goldfinger' by Shirley Bassey & John Barry
Same
trick as the previous film but done to much greater effect. Because
the canvas upon which the images are projected are dead broads caked
in gold dust suggestively posed like horror mannequins. Genius. Solid
tune and excellent vocal performance by Dame Bassey. Really memorable
images such as the golf ball rolling into the cleavage, the gun
barrel angling out of the eye, and Goldfinger's big stupid head
literally superimposed over golden fingers. Great stuff all around.
Only complaint - and this is in no way a point against the intro - is
that the aforementioned dead golden broads should be naked. You know
it. I know it. Everyone knows it. I'm not even being perverted; it
would just straight up be a better visual. I know there's no way in
hell we'd have ever gotten that in a mainstream Hollywood movie in
1964 but this is why the mind is the best theater of all.
Aside from Royal Albert Hall. That place is gorgeous.
- - -
Thunderball (1965)
Dir.
Terence Young
'Thunderball' by Tom Jones & John Barry
Tom
Jones is live and sweatin'! No wonder Eddy was such a mark for this
guy. He kills this song. Legend is he passed out while hitting that
last long note. Visuals are nice. Very lava lamp. The first of many,
many, many Bond intros where the song is vastly superior to the
visuals.
- - -
You Only Live Twice (1967)
Dir.
Lewis Gilbert
'You Only Live Twice' by Nancy Sinatra & John
Barry
Kinda bland, honestly. Both the song and the visuals.
Bothers me that the segue into the credits with the red bloom comes
from the tiny blood splotch next to Bond's wrist and not the giant
pool beside his ribs. The song is a bit overrated and the
instrumentation doesn't really mesh well. Lyrics are decent, though.
The later take Nancy Sinatra does, largely divorced of the Japanese
inspired sound that John Barry forced in for the film version, is a
general improvement but still feels kinda lopsided and unfocused.
Billie Eilish would probably kill this tune, Lord forgive me for
saying so. Very rare misstep for John Barry, in my opinion. But most
people love this song so what do I know?
- - -
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
(1969)
Dir. Peter R. Hunt
'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'
orchestral theme by John Barry
The debut of the falling man
silhouette motif that'll be used in these intros for the rest of
forever. The hourglass / martini glass conceit is really quite clever
but the execution with the scenes from the previous movies is goofy
and ill advised if you're trying to make people forget that Connery
isn't in this one. This is actually one of the better pre-Brosnan
Bond movies on the whole and poor George Lazenby puts on a decent
performance but it's totally snuffed out by the entire vibe of this
flick. George never had a chance because it's not the kinda story to
introduce a new actor with; it's the kind to write an old one out on.
"This never happened to the other fellow," indeed. John
Barry's theme is great, as usual. One of the Bond intros I come back
to rewatch the most often because of it. Even though the chick with
the pointy b-cup rat boobs and the snarling Japanese dude with the
sword make me laugh.
- - -
Diamonds Are Forever
(1971)
Dir. Guy Hamilton
'Diamonds Are Forever' by Shirley
Bassey
The debut of the parting lady hands silhouette motif
that'll be used in these intros for the rest of forever. That poor
cat does not want to be there. You can see it grimace as the
offscreen extra obviously pokes it in the butt to make it crawl under
the leg for that one shot. Watching them obviously have to edit
around the cat not wanting to do a damn thing during its scenes is
amusing. Never work with animals, folks. At least not ones with
expressive faces. Intro is serviceable but the Shirley Bassey tune
kills. The best written of the Bond songs, easily.
- - -
Live and Let Die (1973)
Dir.
Guy Hamilton
'Live and Let Die' by Wings
 |
| The (British) Empire not sending their best |
The gunbarrel guy misses me by about two feet to the right but I still die anyway. Fucking wonky hitboxes. Intro sequence is really good but the song is overplayed. Very overplayed. To the point it actively detracts from my enjoyment. Can we just stop playing this song on the radio, please?
- - -
The Man with the Golden Gun
(1974)
Dir. Guy Hamilton
'The Man with the Golden Gun' by
Lulu
Intro sucks. Totally bland. Taking a buncha 7/10 women and
turning them into 4/10s by making them butterfaced in water ripples
sure was a decision. The song by Lulu is a bop but I, like most human
beings, would have rather liked Alice Cooper's theme to be used
instead.
- - -
The Spy Who Loved Me
(1977)
Dir. Lewis Gilbert
'Nobody Does it Better' by Carly
Simon
Not a bad song but not my favorite. Elegant but kinda
fluffly on the whole. Intro sequence itself is one of the better
Moore era ones. Definitely the best of the "naked broads in
silhouette" genre. The posing is actually dynamic and fun with
some memorable visuals. The balance beam act on the gun and Moore
casually disarming a group of marching naked Russian female soldiers
with a single push being high points. I'm still waiting for someone
with SFM to remake this with the Spy from TF2 and Scout's mom. "The
Spy as The Spy in 'The Spy Who Loved Me'".
- - -
Moonraker (1979)
Dir. Lewis
Gilbert
'Moonraker' by Shirley Bassey
Totally phoned in. I know
what they were going for - naked babes floating in space - but it
fails in execution. Song's a bit of a snoozer, too. Not bad, just too
sedate. I still don't know what the fuck a moonraker is or why he
thinks his dreams will come true.
- - -
For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Dir.
John Glen
'For Your Eyes Only' by Sheena Easton
Odd decision to
have this basically just be a Sheena Easton music video but after how
awful Moonraker's intro was I can't blame them for trying something
new. Unfortunately... this has the exact same problems as Moonraker!
Boring-ass intro, sedate love song, last minute obligatory addition
feel. The song isn't bad but it's not spectacular either. I dunno how
much of my ambivalence towards Moore's Bond has to do with him being
miscast in the role and how much has to do with the films feeling
totally half-assed compared to everyone else.
- - -
Octopussy (1983)
Dir. John
Glen
'All Time High' by Rita Coolidge
It's just Moonraker
again. For the third movie in a row. Fucking hell. Song is, once
again, decent but unremarkable. Saxophone gives it a slight edge over
the others. The saxophone is objectively the best instrument and
elevates everything it's used in by at least half a letter grade.
Intro is disappointing. They tease you making it look like they're
gonna do the From Russia With Love thing but updated with swingin'
'80s laser projection technology, but no. Halfway decent image of a
buncha arms holding guns wrapping around a cardboard cutout of Bond
to give him a hug. Sorta ruined by there being five of them. Guess
he's getting frisky with General Greivous' sister. This is followed
by Bond getting annihilated by a holdhout pistol that shoots lasers
so I'm not just creating baseless celebrity gossip.
We almost had
James Brolin replace Roger Moore in this movie. We were so close.
Between that screentest and Roy Scheider's spy scenes in Marathon Man
(1976) it's damn sad that the best Bond material from the Roger Moore
era didn't actually come from a James Bond movie.
- - -
A View to a Kill (1985)
Dir.
John Glen
'A View to a Kill' by Duran Duran
Oh thank you God, a
good intro. Not the biggest Duran Duran fan on the planet but they
may as well be Roy Orbison following up the slog we just got through.
We're pure '80s here with new wave and neon lasers. Dated? Yes. Do I
care? No. Song rules. Intro is serviceable with it's glow-in-the-dark
painted ladies and Bond's hilarious cardboard cutout actually doing
things for once. Good movie, too. Easily my favorite of the Roger
Moore era. That it has Christopher Walken attempting to plunge
California into the ocean is a large part of that.
- - -
The Living Daylights
(1987)
Dir. John Glen
'The Living Daylights' by aha
Dalton
era time. Timothy Dalton is my favorite Bond actor. He's a barely
constrained, shallowly charismatic sociopath who enjoys his job a
little too much and only feels at rest when he's slamming down booze,
cigarettes, or poon; all of which unreasonably expensive and paid for
by English tax dollars. In short, all he's missing is the scar and
he'd just straight up be James Bond from the books. Song by aha
(a-ha? A-ha? they change it all the damn time) absolutely rules. Very
punchy intro. Visuals are still generic but the music carries it.
- - -
License to Kill (1989)
Dir.
John Glen
'License to Kill' by Gladys Knight
Fairly generic
intro but killer, killer song. They combined the bombastic bass sound
of the '80s with the smooth ballad sound they wanted to go for in the
'70s and in the process inadvertently rediscovered the sound that
made the original Shirley Bassey songs work. Easily one of my
favorite Bond songs. Doesn't hurt that it was later used as the
inspiration for Dean Malenko's underrated WWF theme. Which was then
in turn used as the base for Antonio Cesaro's theme.
- - -
GoldenEye (1995)
Dir. Martin
Campbell
'Goldeneye' by Tina Turner
The best Bond intro by a
lot. Sorry to go along with the pack but sometimes, rarely, the mob
is right. Everything works. We're still doing the naked broads in
silhouette thing for brand recognition but the camera tracking,
pacing, staging, and transitions are all top notch and memorable. The
Soviet hammer crumbling in such a way that it matches the angle and
position of the pistol introduced from offscreen is aesthetically
satisfying in a way that's impossible to describe to people who
didn't eat breakfast this morning. And then they go and do it AGAIN
by matching the bend of the woman with the sledgehammer to the high
heeled shoe, all while seamlessly pulling off the very difficult task
of switching the natural eye tracking from upwards to downwards and
then to the left by utilizing two elements in the foreground to prime
the viewer for it. You could teach an entire film directing class
from this intro alone. The best part of an outstandingly good movie.
Oh and the song slaps, too.
I'm a proponent of the theory that
after a certain length of time has elapsed, be it ten years or fifty
depending upon the narrative lifespan of the lynchpin character, all
entries in a franchise become fanfiction regardless of their quality
as they've moved so far away from the cultural context of their
origin point they've divorced from it completely. Art does not exist
in a vacuum and death of the author is and always has been a cope
perpetuated by people who are either too fucking lazy to research the
climate from which it came from or, far more often, have an agenda of
their own to push and cannot process that people they disagree with
created something they like. Love it though I do, I'd say the Brosnan
era, in which the Soviet Union has totally collapsed IRL and all true
first world nations' main adversaries became themselves, is where
James Bond crossed that threshold and everything from GoldenEye
onward is fanfiction of varying quality. James Bond without the Cold
War backdrop is just a prissy misogynist fed with no real purpose.
That is textually the whole conceit of the character dating back to
the very first Bond book. Which is meant to be read as a tragedy, I
should add.
Now that I've thoroughly pissed everyone off, let's
continue along.
- - -
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Dir.
Roger Spottiswoode
'Tomorrow Never Dies' by Sheryl Crow
Great
visual stuff with the circuit boards, LEDs, and see-through guns.
Same great shot tracking as GoldenEye. Brosnan Bond doesn't have a
single bad intro. Sheryl Crow's vocals take a little getting used to
but I've come around on them. Great song but not my favorite.
Could've gone without the obvious tease of showing that one titty,
though. Crosses the line from alluring to cheesecake. Reminds me of
some shit that the WWF would've done during the Attitude Era. This
coming from the same guy who said the chicks in the Goldfinger intro
should've been naked. Showing titty is fine in my book as long as it
serves a purpose.
- - -
The World Is Not Enough
(1999)
Dir. Michael Apted
'The World is Not Enough' by
Garbage
Top tier Bond theme. Garbage slays it. Good intro, too.
They finally shake things up with the obligatory naked broads in the
Brosnan era and start getting artsy with it; a much needed change.
The use of iridescent color and crude oil makes this one memorable.
- - -
Die Another Day (2002)
Dir.
Lee Tamahori
'Die Another Day' by Madonna
Not as bad as
everyone says. Nowhere near the top but I'll take this over Moonraker
or For Your Eyes Only any day. Late stage Madonna is late stage
Madonna; if you can get over that, the rest of the intro is pretty
great. It was a controversial call to have the title sequence
actually be a part of the narrative but I think it's an experiment
that works, unlike the music video for the aforementioned For Your
Eyes Only. The slaggy dancing women being elements of ice, fire, and
electricity is great. The shots of them flying off as sparks and
acting as spazmatic electrodes is unironically really creative.
- - -
Casino Royale (2006)
Dir.
Martin Campbell
'You Know My Name' by Chris Cornell
Blows my
mind that only four years passed between Die Another Day and this. It
feels like an entirely different civilization created it; which isn't
too far off the mark, I suppose, as this is the first Bond flick
produced purely in a post-9/11 world. Visuals are nice, song is
decent. Cornell has never been my favorite vocalist but he's got his
moments. I like this sequence but it looks like it was made in
photoshop.
- - -
Quantum of Solace (2008)
Dir.
Marc Forster
'Another Way to Die' by Alicia Keys & Jack
White
Not as bad as I remember. Fundamentally a good intro -
basically picked straight outta the Moore era but with some Brosnan
quirks to improve the overall quality - but needs a little more
contrast on the colors. Frenetic pace is okay but you really need
color to pull it off. I like that this movie and Die Another Day both
use the GoldenEye iris motif. The song is pretty good, actually, but
not my favorite. They should've gone with Shirley Bassey's infinitely
superior 'No Good About Goodbye' which, curiously, utilizes the
motifs from the score despite several Bond YouTubers telling me for
dead certain that it was never planned to be used in the movie (citation: trust
me bro, I've got a Bond poster behind me).
- - -
Skyfall (2012)
Dir. Sam
Mendes
'Skyfall' by Adele
Spoils a little too much of the movie
for my liking but damn, really great otherwise. The song rules. The
tracking and editing are great. The best use of the falling man
motif. Feels a bit too much like a Best Of compilation at times (like
the movie in general, honestly) but all is forgiven with that
incredible Rorschach sequence and making a damn near four minute
credit scene fly by like nothing. Adele is a passable upper mid tier
white woman soul singer type who cropped up when white people music
was at the lowest point it's ever been in human history. Therefore
she's lionized as an all-time great artist when in truth she just
lucked out when the Amy Winehouse spot on the card became
vacant.
- - -
Spectre (2015)
Dir. Sam Mendes
'Writing
on the Wall' by Sam Smith
This intro is way too long. Should have
ended with the gun firing ink. People actually sighed with annoyance
during my screening when it kept going after that. Visually cool at
points but coulda done without the octopus sex. Fucking Hollywood
weirdos. The GoldenEye iris makes a return with icky tentacles. They
really go all in with tentacles in this one. Sam Smith's falsetto is
insufferable. The decent instrumentation and his low notes on "FOR
YOU" save this from being my least favorite Bond intro. They
actually cut out the penultimate chorus from the movie version
because Sam Smith's falsetto breaks and it sounds like he's dying of
an asthma attack.
A lot of people prefer the Radiohead song but I'm more ambivalent. I like a lot of Radiohead's stuff against my better judgment, but their Spectre theme just sounds like one of those videos of a cat meowing into a microphone. If we're including songs that should've been used instead, I prefer Judas Priest's track of the same name from "Firepower".
Yes, I know it was never intended to be used with this movie and it's a total coincidence they released a song with that title a few years after this flick, but I can dream.
- - -
No Time To Die (2021)
Dir.
Cary Joji Fukunaga
'No Time to Die' by Billie Eilish
This song
rules. It's the song that people have gaslit themselves into thinking
the Radiohead theme is. Billie Eilish is the perfect pick for this
kinda downbeat Bond theme. Unfortunately this intro is the only good
part of the movie and even then it's not terribly good. It tries to
be both a shout out to the history of Bond opening credits and its
own visually unique thing and kinda falls flat in the attempt.
Remember what I said about all franchises ultimately devolving into
fanfiction? The polka dots from Dr. No making a return and the spiral
of pistols creating a DNA strand got a pop outta me, not gonna lie.
The song works far better on its own.
- - -
With the Bond franchise (and British culture in general) being functionally dead at the moment, that's all the Bond themes out there. Unless you count...
- - -
Dir. Irvin Kershner
'Never Say Never Again' by Michel Legrand
Yes, somehow they convinced Sean Connery to do one more Bond film in the '80s. Don't ask me how, I don't know. Connery just kinda did whatever the hell he felt like after a certain point in his life. Very much a Sir Christopher Lee type of sigma male. I guess being knighted grants you that sort of aura. The song is... eh, decent enough. The intro is not a Bond intro at all. Instead it's a typical action scene with the song playing over it. A fairly decent one but it doesn't count. Song is lower mid tier on its own. At least this is the only non-canon James Bond film anyone knows abo-
- - -
Even if that's not all of 'em that's all I'm gonna do. I can't take anymore.
- - -
1) GoldenEye (1995)
2) Goldfinger (1964)
3) Skyfall (2012)
4) From Russia With Love (1963)
5) On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
BOTTOM FIVE INTROS:
1) Moonraker (1979)
2) For Your Eyes Only (1981)
3) Spectre (2015)
4) Octopussy (1983)
5) You Only Live Twice (1967)
TOP FIVE SONGS:
1) 'The World is Not Enough' by Garbage
2) 'License to Kill' by Gladys Knight
3) 'No Time to Die' by Billie Eilish
4) 'Diamonds Are Forever' by Shirley Bassey
5) 'GoldenEye' by Tina Turner
BOTTOM FIVE SONGS:
1) 'For Your Eyes Only' by Sheena Easton
2) 'Writing on the Wall' by Sam Smith
3) 'All Time High' by Rita Coolidge
4) 'You Only Live Twice' by Nancy Sinatra
5) 'Moonraker' by Shirley Bassey
No comments:
Post a Comment